Last night as I was about to stumble off to bed, a distressed friend emailed me. Seems she was at a family wedding, and they were giving her grief about how she'd coslept with her son when he was younger. They were highly critical, making all kinds of harsh judgments without knowing the research behind the benefits of Attachment Parenting.
My friend's son is 12 years old, now sleeping on his own and obviously well adjusted and happy.
I remember well the feeling of having my parenting choices attacked by uneducated opinionators and the feeling of being put on the defense. Not fun.
She asked me about how to handle the comments. In my bleary-eyed state, I came up with a few retorts:
- "I've discussed it with my pediatrician, and he/she supports me in our decision." (This was my default reply, as people usually don't have a response when they hear that a doctor said something's okay.)
- "This is what's working for our family now."
- "Research has found that extended cosleeping/breastfeeding/nurturing/insert-AP-term-here is not harmful developmentally, and is actually helpful."
- "I appreciate your concern, but children mature at different rates and our pediatrician is supportive of our decisions."
- "My pediatrician isn't concerned. You don't need to be either."
- "I know it may seem unusual, but many children sleep with their parents. Children in other cultures sleep with their families until adulthood."
- "I understand that you simply have my child's best interests at heart, but please know that I don't wish to discuss it anymore."
- "Families sure do have a variety of ways of raising their kids."
- "If it's not harmful - and the research shows that it isn't - then what is your concern?"
- "More and more research is being published every day that supports cosleeping/extended breastfeeding/babywearing/insert-AP-term-here and other Attachment Parenting methods."
- "I hear your concern for my child and I'm glad you care about him. You'll really be glad to know he is very well cared for."
If you're up for talking about it:
- "Sounds like you might be curious why we made this decision. I would be glad to tell you what I've learned."
And, the trusty standby, if you're not up for a chat:
- "Pass the bean dip."
Have you ever had your family or friends criticize your parenting choices? What are your go-to retorts?
Like good friends, API Support Groups are there to help you process those difficult moments as we sometimes pioneer what's natural in our families and communities. Responding to criticism in ways that honor ourselves, whether it is to nod, respond, or educate, is one of the many go-to topics you can count on at a local API meeting.
Camille North,
API Links Editor
Please let us know what you like and what could be better about Links - contact us at apilinks@attachmentparenting.org.
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